Are You Sure, God?
This is the question I have been wrestling with. All of it. All of it. I’ll say it one more time, all of it.
I am aware what a privilege it is to be called, so friend, if you are having your own heart stirrings, I am happy for you and, also, I don’t know what this will look like for you. In this moment, I have no idea what this is all going to look like for me. I’ve joked, half kidding but also half serious: Can I be a food blogger or talk about home decor? Please?! Like, please. I would love nothing more.
Can I just talk about cute chairs, please?
But y’all know. This isn’t as simple as we would selfishly wish. I am a teacher and my calling is to inspire and share lightning bolts of love and truth into hearts of the hungry. It always has been this way. To take my insides and share them with the outside. It’s not pretty and it’s often gut-wrenching.
I tagged a friend on the post of some really cute chairs the other day and said, “Can I just talk about these?!” God has told me, loud and clear, no. So I am somewhat stalling, and I will admit that. I am stalling my ego, the opinions of others, and the death of the dreams that I had so artfully crafted in my mind. Another friend reached out, and I told her I am challenged. And I will leave it at that. I am very challenged right now.
I choose You.
My joy is the freshest in the morning and then by midday, I am weighed down with it all. I just wish I had my roadmap and my plans back. I just wish it all made sense. I just wish pieces of my brain and heart would stop leaping out and splatting down on the floor. But I know, in the center of my bones, these are my steps and this is my walk, and Jesus I will follow you. I choose you.