Well fam, I want to stop sharing, but I keep coming back. In all honesty, it’s because I know God made me to use me. Like a dear friend says, she eats pizza with her family every Friday night on her wedding china because what’s the point in having it if you’re not using it?! (Shout out to you, Maghon.)
It feels ugly to share in the middle of a mess. Like boxes yet to be unpacked 5 months after moving in (yes, that’s also me), like a room renovation before anyone can even begin to see your after vision, like a broken bone before being set.
We each are running our own race, and this is just mine. So take what you take and leave what you leave. Come back in 6 months or 6 years. I can imagine we’d probably get to have two awesome and very different conversations both times. And timeout! Shout out to all of the brave souls who are willing to change and willing to grow. Truly. What magnificent, tedious, and sloppy work we embark on every dang day.
So what’s been my missing freedom piece? What is this dead end that has turned into my life changing into a new light? I will try to explain where my mind and heart have been on the paths that I chose to take.
These are all BEAUTIFUL words with stunning meanings. Some of us have them on our walls, written on sticky notes, or even tattooed to our bodies. They each can hold unique meanings just for us. But how did I fall down if I was searching and following these gorgeous words?
How did I come undone from wanting to be a compassionate person, living a life of love, creating joy around me, filling the world with hope and dancing in my truth?
I have my answer. I believed I could do it through me, my own strength, my own interpretations, and believing in a God that could be switched out for the word universe. My personal relationship to Jesus and giving Him credit for my knowings, gifts, and life force was replaced with a buffet of beliefs. Ouch. I am wincing from both sides. But my truth is this: I can’t love God, know God, or be with God without Jesus. I can’t forsake him. I can’t go forward one more step in my spiritual life without burying myself in Him. I just can’t. I reached the end of my road.
My goal has always been to heal and help others heal because I know that’s where transformation lives. No one knows transformation like God does. No one.
Life in Christ is different. I wish I could put words to it, but it’s indescribable. And what is so wild to me is this kind of communion with life and spirit, what I’ve been after all along, is offered freely. There are no initiation dues, no memberships, no referrals needed. You just believe and start there. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how far down you’ve fallen. You are wanted and craved. You are included. You are seen. You are wonderfully and fearfully made and are here on purpose for a purpose. These are things that I have always believed, but I have also been very deceived in other ways.
My personal repentance is not necessarily owed to the public, but I also know that if it weren’t for others sharing openly, I would have no way of being able to live into their stories and in turn see my own. I am in a season of rebuilding what my life can look like. It’s actually pretty fun to hand the reins over. Maybe from the outside looking in, not much will seem different, but from the inside living out, it’s a completely new direction for me.
I pray you peace and will leave you with a verse that has greatly illuminated this new chapter for me:
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23
If you’re seeking and wanting to learn and know more, I know it can seem daunting with where to start. Why not begin with a conversation with God, asking to know Jesus. Invite him in. If you don’t have a Bible, get one. Bring one into your world or dust off an old one that was given to you ;) There are different translations; I read the New International Version. Psalms and Proverbs let me ease in because they are written prayers and can be read in bite sizes. Many people, myself included, are very touched by the book of John because there are many personal encounters with Jesus shared, and it is the final week of his life. I like to underline the things that stand out and speak to me and write them down in a separate notebook where I can be honest with God and ask for help, love, and guidance.
Walking through life with a living God is an honor and a gift. Free, indeed.