I Didn't Want This To Be My Path

Rachel Camfield

Dear friends,

After sharing my heart (and what felt like my guts) in my recent posts, I’ve received a beautiful multitude of messages and conversations from simple thanks, to some questions, to some awesome encouragement, to some very powerful doubt. As I write this, the sun is coming up on a new day. I am both excited and scared for what could or will unfold today. It’s been about a week since I stepped back out with two shaky and bold feet back into my Christian faith. As I shared earlier, I didn’t realize how far I had floated away from what I choose to believe.

The Life I was Born to Live

The outpouring of love and support has been miraculous and sobering. Some friendships and relationships, revived. Others, strengthened. Some, weakened. Possibly some destroyed, which has been my greatest fear of all. I am fully aware of the price of my thinking and speaking out loud what I believe. I have gone back and forth on whether to keep sharing or not to. My greatest fear is hurting people I love, being misunderstood, and my words used against the truest callings of my heart: Living and growing into my life within a divine, heavenly and healing love. A place where I don’t have to know or go find out all of my best answers, and I don’t have to constantly work at strengthening myself, I instead get to rest and grow in my faith and be led into the life I was born to live.

I never could have predicted that I would experience a conviction so deep I would release and walk away from all of the creative and transformational work I created over the last almost 4 years. I will honestly say, I would not have written this story line for myself or chosen this path. But as unnerving, humbling, and soul-cracking as this time is, I’m experiencing a restful peace that is deep and renewing, and I am being reminded I don’t have to know how the story ends and what my exact part in it all is.

I remember when I was pregnant, and I would hear love songs come on the radio. It was as if I knew the words but was hearing and experiencing them all again for the first time. I think at one point I even wrote it was like the songs had new meaning. Well that’s exactly where I am now.

I am experiencing new life. I’ve been given new eyes and a new heart. I am stumbly and bumbly like a brand new baby giraffe who looks down at her legs, mostly knobby knees, and awkwardly attempts to stand, maybe even run, on these new limbs that have been created to hold her up for her entire life. That is what the peace of Jesus is. It’s not going anywhere. I don’t deserve it, but it is offered freely and with love to me. But like the baby giraffe’s legs, I’m feeling new and awkward, and I’m wiping out. I’ve cried more tears in the last week than I can remember.

What I need to do is different than what I want to do.

I’m going to just try to share words that are spilling out. I’m going to do my best explain how I got exactly here. It’s important to note that you don’t need to be proficient, perfect, or poised for ultimate greatness to know the kind of love I’m talking about and believe so much in. I’ve been looking back a lot, and fully am able to see what I was thinking now. I’ve compared this looking-back feeling with being at the beach: Loving the sun, the water, the excitement of the waves, going for a deep-dive swim and looking up from within the ocean and seeing just how far away I am from the warm and toasty shore. First, shock. Then, some fear. Then the realization that I was the one that got myself here, and all I want to do is get back and put my bare feet on the solid spiritual safety that I’ve once known. But what I need to do is different than what I want to do. What I want to do is carry on. Pick up like not much of anything has happened. Nothing to see here. Life resumed. What I need to do is have honest conversations. Rebuild, not in isolation but in the community with others. Forgive myself. Praise His name. And keep showing up in Love when I would rather just hide away.

An emboldened life

It is my hope that my words and personal choices never hurt or shame anyone who believes so much in theirs. That’s not what this is about at all as I choose to dismantle my own personal walls, let them come crashing down, and invite a new story to begin. When called, I will continue to share and reveal what I am seeing and finding for myself and stand proudly in my freedom to do so. I am grateful to live in a place where I can speak and write my own personal truth about my faith and anyone else can do the same. I hope that whether you agree with me or not, you are emboldened to proudly speak what you believe and continue the good work to discover your own blueprint of answers that will ultimately guide your life and give your soul the rest it craves and was made for.

Love Always, Rach.

Rachel Camfield