What I Remember and What I’m Living Now
He leaned his head next to mine and said “Did you hear anything last night?” He wasn’t talking about the wind outside or the birds. He was talking about my dreams. Before we went to bed the night before, we prayed together. I’m no stranger to middle of the night insights so loud they make me get up and write them down. But now it’s different. The invitation isn’t as open as it once was but it felt important to say to God, your words are welcome here. Please, speak to me. Clean up anything that you deem clean-able in my heart, mind, and heck, my story line.
I said, “Yeah. I actually heard a lot last night. There was this dream with this man. He was a runner and a really good one. He said, ‘Just stay even.’ In an essence, don’t let your highs get too high or your lows get too low. ‘Just stay the course.’ It was helpful and it was healing.”
I’ll be the first one to raise my hand and say I’m not so great at staying in the middle of the road. But I also know the difference of not moving out of fear versus taking a step when the spirit moves through me and says I must go, I must speak, I must express. To note: I will always take prayers for discernment!
I’m in a place so deep of examining every belief I have and doing the work to get to the very roots of who I am and what I believe and in what ways the how of living my life is teaching the world around me. I’m asking countless questions. I’m hitting the books. It’s almost like I’ve gone back to school or class of a spiritual kind. I want the foundation of my life and how I live to be anchored. I was called into this place but will admit that I got myself here.
God speaks so uniquely to each and every one of his kids. I promised I would talk about some of the amazing, miraculous good stuff along with the harder parts so that’s coming. (Exhale, yeah!) For now, I’m hanging out in the mess still. I’m reminded of many times in the past that have felt similar. It’s like retracing steps. Being humbled and loved anyways. Feeling like the outsider but staying in my seat at the table. As God pulls us away from what’s externally around us, he just draws us closer and deeper into his arms where true peace and strength live. As least that’s what I remember and that’s what I’m living now.