A Mother's Work in the World
Well, I missed the last two days of writing and sharing, but in a way, the absence of my work here is the impetus for today's wisdom and words.
Barnes is changing. It's a reminder to me we are all changing, all the time, even once we've grown up, are adulting, and have things like jobs, and worries, and these pieces of paper that come once a month in the mail called bills (a.k.a. blessings already received.)
I have moments of deeply missing my writing, coaching, and plan-making. My work is my passion, but a whole me is what makes it all churn magically together. That means some pots on the stove get moved to the front and others get moved back. I witnessed myself stop these past couple days and move everything aside for my son. Yes, there were initial pangs of, "Oh ouch, I felt that one. I really want to be writing. This is important." But gracefully, and because of the way I've built my businesses, I got to choose. It looked hopping in the car multiple times in the day to run out and get more outlet covers and keep searching for a playroom rug, Barnes riding on my back the whole time. It looked like dropping everything to plop on to the floor to explore the old familiar rug to me but brand new terrain for him.
This is for you
We are each here because we have had a mother. Someone who created us within her body. Gave at least 10 months to literally taking herself and moving herself over. Even down to her vital organs — those moved over for you, too. Her breath caught in her ribs, and she had to tell herself over and over to breathe deeper. She held on to the railing of the stairs to make it to the top. She also smiled bigger than ever before, and felt the deepest connection to the love of her life that she hadn't even met yet. She dreamed of the day when she got to see your face and look into your eyes for the first time. There is no other love like that of a mother. You lived and grew within her walls of safety and warmth, and everything stopped just for you.
Whew. This reminder. I need it. I need to pause to remember how desired I was, that my being came from the desire and love for another person to create life shared through that love. I didn't exactly know where these words would go today, but there's no turning back now.
The truth to me is, a mother's work in the world begins well before the celebrated baby is here or her belly is round. It begins before she's breathing heavy to get up the stairs or taking tests and holding her breath each month. I believe her work in the world starts with a thought that then turns to a dream of what life would be like. I know for me this powerful vision super-charged me to start to examine parts of myself. It helped me know what prayers I wanted to form, what parts of my business I wanted to shift, what intention I needed and wanted to direct on the pieces of the puzzle that I just knew wouldn't fit anymore with tiny hands and precious chubby feet in the picture. This started years before, for me.
This feels vulnerable
I'm getting to see my mom differently now that I am one. It's full-circle learning. My mom loves me so much. She never stopped loving me. Even when I was mad and stuck in my life, when I aimed my fiery anger at her. This takes my thoughts to another love setup very similarly: the love that my heavenly maker has for me. I can run away and be wretched, and still, I am called back and invited no matter what state I'm in. Hi, Grace. I can see now that my mom has done everything that's come across her path to the best of her ability as a parent. She devoted herself to my sister and me much later in her life. I can see, looking back, my own ungratefulness and lack of understanding. It tastes like a bitter tea in my mouth: sweet to start, vinegary going down. The bright news is that our love for each other is big enough to try again, over and over. Hi, Grace.
I prayed to God that I would receive a new level of patience and calm when I became a mom. A little backstory: I react. I have to shove my full-body weight against my impatience and cutting words. I regret so many things that have flown out of my mouth as a wife. I didn't want to swim against these things as a mom. I didn't know how or who I would be. One of my greatest fears was that I would stay the same. (I'm not looking for advice here, just sharing.)
7 months and a couple of weeks into being a full-blown mama, my prayers are answered. I have found out who I am in the wee, dark hours. I'm mostly proud of who shows up tired and feeling unprepared for the job. I'm working with the other parts I want to change (that never stops.) Hi, Grace.
A new gear
I wish I could tell you exactly what I've done in case you struggle with reactivity too, but I have to give all the glory to God — for rushing new waters into my heart and moving my selfishness over. The depth of my love and patience for Barnes inspires me over and over again that anything is possible with the power of prayer and that new levels of myself exist. It's been said before: you find a new gear, and you do.
I'm discovering the work of a mother means you give your family and your world your best when you are sometimes not at your best. I do this because I deeply want to, and that's new. Maybe I should be shouting these words with excitement because I am inwardly blown away by this change! I'm doing it, y'all! I can feel my focus shifting from being on myself, extending outward and growing bigger. Becoming a mother has been the path for me in so many ways. I fumble to find the exact words because the magnitude is this huge.
I want you to know all of this
When you see a picture of me smiling with Barnes or watch a video of us dripping with love and joy, I want to plant the seed in your heart that that’s all God. I've been telling my fears how big my God is, and in turn, they've quivered and retreated back to the ocean like a wave being pulled back out to sea. I know new things will pop up. Things that I loathe about myself or fears I may believe will overtake me, but this is the work. I choose this.
This is my work in the world.
What's your work in the world? Today, yesterday, where you want to go tomorrow? Does it make you feel hopeful to learn a little bit about my struggles and to hear that I believe in the power of prayer? Does it maybe make you think that if there's something you deeply need or want help with, you can sit exactly where you are and pray for that answer, assistance, and support? I believe in praying for each other, too. So now that you know a little bit more about me and we're getting more connected, feel free to reach out to me. Send me a direct message, leave a comment on something I can pray for you about. I would love to.