If you've ever felt the pain of falling short from your expectations, this is for you.

 

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Hi. I'm not sure how this post is going to come out but I am going to try. Here goes.

One year ago, I boarded a plane. I was "on fire" in every sense of the word from the outside looking in. I was over the half way mark in my first year of business and succeeding wildly. There was nothing you could put in front of me that I would not run through. I was fearless but afraid. Excited but exhausted. Successful but unstable.

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On paper you'd think I had the secret sauce. Many people reached out, wanting to know what it was I was doing and how. It was flattering. And the expectation to keep growing and going was written on the wall. Everything seemed "solved."

But back to that plane last year. I got on it. Flew. And arrived to find myself in a chair, taking notes at a leadership retreat, meant to grow my mind, heart, and business. Half of me felt proud and radiant. The other (unseen) half felt broken and confused. Here's the thing about personal growth: the outside does its best to be a reflection of the inside, but if alignment is not existing in absolute truth, a crack will start to form. It's not a matter of if but when.

Like a rock splintering a windshield, hairline fractures existed within me and were spreading, and my outer growth only seemed to compound things, amping up the intensity. Woof.

I wondered, in the silent pauses, "What had I signed up for and gotten myself into?" But sitting there, I decided I was going to face myself like never before. That I was ready and that if I wanted to step fully into the next level of myself and my life, I had to undergo yet another change. I had to release my crutches for numbing and running. Soothing and disengaging from my truth. Hiding and squirming away, telling myself I would deal with it all another day.

Personal responsibility... it's not for the faint of heart when all you want to do is go around it, but the only way out is through.

One year later, here I am. My outside looks much different, from darker hair to a sweet baby bump. But what you don't see is what's changed the most. The inside. It's been quiet work. The daily sweeping of corners. The tidying of inner truths.

Sitting in the seat again this year, I had a moment of hot, frustrated tears. I rode the wave and peeked inside. I saw that I was only measuring what could be seen. My ego was crying out for validation and a pat on the back. I didn't get either, and instead, I carried the rocky thoughts and experience with me, inspecting it throughout the day over and over again.

It wasn't until a hot shower and a "download moment" that I fully realized what was going on, and I am going to share that here.

 
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If you've ever felt the pain of falling short from your expectations, this is for you.

I realized that while it feels really good to be recognized for outer success, if the inner world is failing, that success will only be temporary. Like a dream home built on stilts, from a distance seeming grand, but a failing foundation causes more destruction under the weight of time. The deep, wise part of me instantly could see this picture. I understood, in what felt like 60 years shrunken down into 60 seconds, that God has delayed (not canceled) that shiny, visible success for homemade mortar, mixed with love and spread tenderly and evenly, connecting one brick intentionally at a time to another. 

I let myself lay out both visions and versions (the one that I was living and the one I wished I was) out on an imaginary table, picturing them like to meals to choose from. I could see the ingredients were not created equally. I could taste the wisdom of long-term, sustainable success versus the flashy notes of immediate glory, and I knew, all was well.

Friend, in the last year, I've been building an inner foundation meant to weather any storm, and it honestly feels like a gift. I have changed, and the tuning fork I get to feel of being the wife, mother, leader, friend, and business owner I want to be to my core is the only proof I need to keep going and keep trusting.

Don't give up if you're in a valley, let's just keep walking together.

Don't worry if the work you're experiencing feels un-sexy or not fast enough, trust that it's the exact recipe you need.

Allowing ourselves to fall forward into grace and be the imperfect leaders in our lives is the mission.

I am with you and cheering for you, and want to remind you that it just takes one tiny pivot over and over again to turn an entire ship in a new direction. Here's my advice: Reach out, find others that want to grow in the good with you, and know that anything is possible. This new mama is living proof. 

And while I'd love for this week's blog post to be perfectly shiny in the "everything worked out just like I imagined way", I realized that's silly! We are all dealing in the in-between of life. We all have expectations, right? The magic is reworking them to serve you.

Big HUG,

rach.

*This is part I of a two-part series I am really excited about because my mission is to continually take others on the journey with me, transparently. If this blog really resonated for you, be sure to catch what's coming from me next week! I will be sharing how I'm making my life work for me instead of the other way around. Sign up here to make sure you're on the list. 

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