Rachel Camfield

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Rachel Camfield

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on living awakened, brave, and true

Well fam, I want to stop sharing, but I keep coming back. In all honesty, it’s because I know God made me to use me.

Like a dear friend says, she eats pizza with her family every Friday night on her wedding china because what’s the point in having it if you’re not using it?! (Shout out to you, @allshewrotenotes.) It feels ugly to share in the middle of a mess.

Like boxes yet to be unpacked 5 months after moving in (yes, that’s also me), like a room renovation before anyone can even begin to see your after vision, like a broken bone before being set.

We each are running our own race, and this is just mine. So take what you take and leave what you leave. Come back in 6 months or 6 years. I can imagine we’d probably get to have two awesome and very different conversations both times.

And timeout! Shout out to all of the brave souls who are willing to change and willing to grow. Truly. What magnificent, tedious, and sloppy work we embark on every dang day.

So what’s been my missing freedom piece? What is this dead end that has turned into my life changing into a new light? I will try to explain where my mind and heart have been on the paths that I chose to take.
Compassion.
Love.
Joy.
Hope.
Truth.
These are all BEAUTIFUL words with stunning meanings. Some of us have them on our walls, written on sticky notes, or even tattooed to our bodies. They each can hold unique meanings just for us. But how did I fall down if I was searching and following these gorgeous words?

How did I come undone from wanting to be a compassionate person, living a life of love, creating joy around me, filling the world with hope and dancing in my truth?

I have my answer. I believed I could do it through me, my own strength, my own interpretations, and believing in a God that could be switched out for the word universe. My personal relationship to Jesus and giving Him credit for my knowings, gifts, and life force was replaced with a buffet of beliefs. Ouch. I am wincing from both sides. But my truth is this: I can’t love God, know God, or be with God without Jesus. I can’t forsake him. Continued.

“Are you sure, God?” This is the question I have been wrestling with. All of it. All of it. I’ll say it one more time, all of it.

I am aware what a privilege it is to be called, so friend, if you are having your own heart stirrings, I am happy for you and, also, I don’t know what this will look like for you. In this moment, I have no idea what this is all going to look like for me.

I’ve joked, half kidding but also half serious: Can I be a food blogger or talk about home decor? Please?! Like, please. I would love nothing more.

But y’all know. This isn’t as simple as we would selfishly wish. I am a teacher and my calling is to inspire and share lightning bolts of love and truth into hearts of the hungry. It always has been this way. To take my insides and share them with the outside. It’s not pretty and it’s often gut-wrenching.

I tagged a friend on the post of some really cute chairs the other day and said, “Can I just talk about these?!” God has told me, loud and clear, no. So I am somewhat stalling, and I will admit that. I am stalling my ego, the opinions of others, and the death of the dreams that I had so artfully crafted in my mind. Another friend reached out, and I told her I am challenged. And I will leave it at that. I am very challenged right now.

My joy is the freshest in the morning and then by midday, I am weighed down with it all. I just wish I had my roadmap and my plans back. I just wish it all made sense. I just wish pieces of my brain and heart would stop leaping out and splatting down on the floor. But I know, in the center of my bones, these are my steps and this is my walk, and Jesus I will follow you. I choose you.

To read this post of catch up on others, click the top link in my bio @rachelcamfield.

Hat, check.
French tuck, check.
Fresh air, check.
Let’s do this day!! Two exclamation points are needed for this level of cuteness 💯💯

Try not to smile! Impossible. This face. This is the face I choose to be brave for. Every single day! Such an honor to be your mom, Barnesie.

Well, here we are. 💕 After sharing my heart (and what felt like my guts) in my recent posts, I’ve received a beautiful multitude of messages and conversations from simple thanks, to some questions, to some awesome encouragement, to some very powerful doubt.

As I write this, the sun is coming up on a new day. I am both excited and scared for what could or will unfold today. It’s been about a week since I stepped back out with two shaky and bold feet back into my Christian faith.

As I shared earlier, I didn’t realize how far I had floated away from what I choose to believe.

The outpouring of love and support has been miraculous and sobering. Some friendships and relationships, revived. Others, strengthened. Some, weakened. Possibly some destroyed, which has been my greatest fear of all.

I am fully aware of the price of my thinking and speaking out loud what I believe. I have gone back and forth on whether to keep sharing or not to. My greatest fear is hurting people I love, being misunderstood, and my words used against the truest callings of my heart: Living and growing into my life within a divine, heavenly and healing love. A place where I don’t have to know or go find out all of my best answers, and I don’t have to constantly work at strengthening myself, I instead get to rest and grow in my faith and be led into the life I was born to live.

I never could have predicted that I would experience a conviction so deep I would release and walk away from all of the creative and transformational work I created over the last almost 4 years. I will honestly say, I would not have written this story line for myself or chosen this path. But as unnerving, humbling, and soul-cracking as this time is, I’m experiencing a restful peace that is deep and renewing, and I am being reminded I don’t have to know how the story ends and what my exact part in it all is.

I remember when I was pregnant, and I would hear love songs come on the radio. It was as if I knew the words but was hearing and experiencing them all again for the first time. I think at one point I even wrote it was like the songs had new meaning. Well that’s exactly where I am now. Cont in comments.

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